Remind Her, Beauty is Her Name

“I am enamored by your beauty

the flawlessness of your face

the way it’s structured

your strong jawbones

they speak perfection

your smile… it keeps me captivated

your eyes don’t hide, but they shine

you have captured Me. I am enamored.” – The Creator

I can remember sitting on the floor in my room. Scissors, magazines, glue sticks, and pens surrounded me. I was getting ready to put what was in my heart on paper. Excited and a tiny bit nervous, I was beginning to dream with God for the year 2015. As I began to cut out of the magazines pictures and words that stood out to me, the desire to model began to swell up in heart like a strong wave current that couldn’t be controlled. So, I went with it and put it on paper.

March 2015 is when it all began. A dream that has been placed in my heart by my Creator had started to become a reality. I met up with a friend in Los Angeles to hang out and he, unexpectedly, brought his camera to do a shoot that I was completely “unprepared” for.

Now let’s be real… anyone who knows me, know that I LOVE taking pictures, capturing moments and most of all I LOVE TAKING SELFIES. I just can’t help it or rather I choose not to help it. Ha! But being in front of a Canon or Nikon, instead of an iPhone, began to challenge me to embrace ME even more.

I have been on this journey of self-love since 2011. It started with cutting off my relaxed, straightened hair in order to fall in love with my natural, kinky, tightly coiled, God-given hair. Then transitioned to locing up my hair (dreadlocs); not conforming to the world’s ideal standard of beauty and loving what I look like through every stage of my loc journey. Now I am in front of some Canon or Nikon camera and through every shot produced I am gently being nudged to look at myself, to love my dark skin, to love every part of my body that I consider to be imperfection or perfection. Through every shot that the camera has been taking, my Creator has been whispering, “Beauty is your name. I am captivated. I am enamored by you. Do you not see?”   

I can remember at some of my shoots telling the photographer, “I hope you got some good shots”, in doubt that I was not being or looking like models that are shown through different media mediums. When my new photographer friend posted a picture of me on his Instagram from our recent shoot, I gasped and my mouth dropped. I couldn’t believe it. I could not believe that was ME! I kept staring at the picture. I was at lost for words. So I just kept staring… and staring. I was in complete awe. Once again my Creator sweetly whispered, “You now have a taste of what I see every day when I look at you. Beauty. Beauty is your name.”

As I have been traveling these last 2 ½ months I have been in constant reminder that Beauty is my name. Beauty is my journey. Through every success, mess-up, & failure Beauty is still my name. All my days Beauty has been my name.

Hello. My name is Beauty. What is your name?   

“I am enamored by my beauty.

dark skin and kinkiest of hair…

confidence has taken over my being

all of me is perfection

what’s happening? I am falling in love with myself” –Beauty

SIGNED,

Beauty (The fearless one)

Peace&Love <3

Instagram: __awakenedblackqueen

Facebook: Kamilah Tom

HOME.

I said in my heart, “I’m home”.

I cannot believe that I am actually here. I need at least 2-3 days to process that I. AM. HERE. I am in New York. The Empire State. The Big Apple. The City that never sleeps. The City that I’ve only seen on T.V. The City that I have dreamed of exploring the last year and half. I am here. I am in New York.

I am excited to plant myself here. I am excited to grow here. I am excited to disinter my dreams, to dig up what has been placed in my heart since the beginning of time. I am excited to explore the unknown and make connections that I would have never thought of making. I am excited to see all that unfolds before my eyes.

I am excited to explore the 5 Boroughs of the City: Brooklyn, Manhattan, Bronx, Staten Island, and Queens. I am excited to explore every neighborhood and park of New York: Times Square, Union Square, Harlem, Central Park, Washington Square Park, etc. I cannot wait to dive into the culture of people, to get a taste of their everyday life and everyday food. I will immerse myself and soak up every single experience & absorb what everyday life will teach me. I am ready to be a student and learn.

A couple of weeks ago I saw a quote that says,

“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

I came across that same quote again yesterday. This time it did something to me in my heart.

ex·plore – to search into or travel in for the purpose of discovery

In this blog and in my previous blog one of the words that has been reoccurring is “explore”. Here is why: I have been in this place of exploring, examining, and searching out in order to discover more of who I am. I am continuously stepping out even when I don’t see the first step to the staircase, being brave and fearless and willing to go into the unknown. It has been my life the last month and half. Besides exploring the many cities and states that I have been, I’ve also been exploring my relationship with God and exploring my relationship with myself. What I believe and the core values I’ve chosen to live by are being put to the test. As the different truths that I believe are being challenged, I have been asking myself, what I consider, “the hard questions”. So far, it has been quite the journey… the journey I would have never taken if I was home because home is a place of familiarity and I am comfortable there.  

I think I have come to the conclusion that this journey is not just about traveling “alone”, checking dreams off of my dream list, or sightseeing. This journey is more than that. This journey is MY journey. This journey is about Kamilah, it is all about me. It is asking myself the hard questions, becoming one with my heart again, figuring out who Kamilah is in her fullness, becoming stable & stronger, growing in my identity. It is unbecoming what I thought I should be or what people have said I should be. It is unlearning what fear, doubt, and lies have taught me. I guess in short I am exploring to “find myself”, as people would say. Or I am “finding my personal legend”, as it says in one of my favorite books entitled “The Alchemist”. 

I am on the journey. And to be honest, the journey never really ends. So I am enjoying and embracing every good moment and every “bad” moment.

I am becoming.

SIGNED,

The fearless one

Peace&Love <3

Adventure into the Unknown

 

“Dear Kamilah,

We have completed our review of your application and, unfortunately, we are not able to offer you a space in this year’s entering class…”

June 1st 2015 a fear had become my reality: I did not get into USC. The University of Southern California had been my dream school for the last year. All who know me knew how passionate and confident I was about being admitted into USC. I felt that I had had everything planned out and put together for the rest of 2015. I would attend the University of Southern California to obtain my Bachelor of Art degree in Media Communications, I knew what apartments I wanted to stay in, and I knew what activities I was going to get involved in on campus and off campus, I knew what church I wanted to serve in… I had it all figured out. It was the ONLY school that I applied to transfer to for the Fall 2015 semester; it was the only school in California that I felt connected to, the only school I dreamed of attending. Now that I didn’t get into USC, I no longer had a plan or a blue print for the next step I would take in my life after graduating from my community college. I had no back up plans. USC was it. Although I was heart-broken and fearful of my future after reading the first 2 lines of USC’s letter, I knew that I was not being rejected but I was being redirected.

[REWIND]

God loves to surprise me. He obviously had different plans for me. Allow me to explain how I was set up and what exactly went down prior to me receiving my letter from USC.

About 3 ½ months before receiving my letter from USC, I felt an urgency to purchase a one-way ticket to the East Coast. Telling little to no one, excited and unsure, I went with my gut and purchased my ticket to leave June 24^th at 5:45am.

Then two days before I received the letter from USC I had met with a new friend who had been traveling, by herself, for 7 months. As she talked about her experience I came alive, more alive than I had been in the last year. In between conversing with my new friend, I boldly said, “I don’t think I will get into USC.”
STOP! Wait a minute. Did that just come out of my mouth? WHOAH! I know, right? I was shocked hearing that come out of my mouth, especially when I’ve been saying the opposite the last 9 months! What surprised me the most when I look back on that day was the fact that I said it with a slight smile and I had a tone of excitement in my voice.

My heart had been changing and I had just realized it.

My departure date for the East Coast was quickly approaching. I was both nervous and excited to do the thing my heart had been wanting to do: TRAVEL.

June 24^th 2015 had arrived. At 5:45am I boarded the plane. My life had taken a turn. I walked into the unknown full of courage and hope. The dream I longed for the most had become my reality.

 

[FAST FORWARD]

As I sit in one of my new favorite cafes in Washington D.C. I am overwhelmed by Love. I cannot believe that I am actually living out a dream that has been in my heart for such a long time. I never thought that I would be able to purchase numerous one way tickets and do what I want. To live young, wild, and free. To have no obligations, no major bills to pay, no worries in life… nothing. Absolutely nothing. At 22 years old I get to travel wherever I want, whenever I want. My life is a dream.

For those of you who been wondering what was going on with USC, this is for you. For those of you who have been wondering what I am doing and why am I traveling, this is for you.

Fall 2015 I will not be in school, but I will be continuing my travels. I will be following and discovering what’s in my heart, exploring new places, meeting new people, working my business (JourneywithKam.org), finding new hobbies, finding me and becoming alive. I will be updating you all on my life through blogging, Instagram, and Facebook.

Through my blog I hope to awaken the dreamers to dream again and to live life abundantly. I hope to encourage those whose lives has taken an unforeseen sharp turn to trust their journey and know that all things work together.

 

SIGNED,

The fearless one

Peace&Love <3

PS- I will be applying for schools to start in either the Spring or Fall semester of 2016.

 

Instagram: __awakenedblackqueen

Facebook: Kamilah Tom